Lost without you
by antarian
Summary: Without Justin, Brian would be lost.


Title: **LOST WITHOUT YOU  
**Author: **_May_** (crazy4qaf on LJ)  
Spoilers : None, as far as I know.  
Timeline : Season 4, sometime after Justin came back to Brian. Well, after cancer happened and Brian suffered a meltdown. Probably where last 4 eps of S4 are.  
Rating: R for language  
Summary : Without Justin, Brian would be lost.  
Authors notes: OK, people, this is, like, my first QAF fic. I am the worst procrastinator on Earth. So, please, be gentle. This is un-beta'd. But, feedback is my drug of choice. This fic is inspired with a song by Darren Hayes called "Lost without you". It struck such a cord with me, when I listened to it. It´s just perfect for Brian Justin, IMHO.  
Warning : This seems to be 2nd person fic. Brian POV  
Disclaimer: This is only for fun. Cowlip Showtime own it, not me, which so saddens me. :)

* * *

"I keep trying to find my way,  
all I know I´m lost without you,  
I keep trying to face the day,  
I´m lost without you…"

The thing is…you never counted on living past the 29th birthday. Actually, the way things were going, you always thought you'd never live to see highschool. Well, noone ever said life was fair. Or that all parents love their offspring unconditionally. You of all can attest to that particular tidbit.

You light up your cancer stick and can't help but roll your eyes at the irony of it. Fucking cancer. Yep, dear ol' dad… It figures, that of all the shitty things you never wanted from him, it would be this he so graciously left behind for you. Oh, feel the love… And bullshit of it all. You sigh, hearing rustling and bed springs lightly squeaking up in the bedroom. And you smile. There is at least one thing that shows you are worth something.

Justin. Such small word, so many definitions. With all you denials and temper tantrums, that is one thing in your life you'd never change.

The thing is, you never counted on living past your 29th birthday, and you'd be damned if you believed life after 29 would be best part of your patetic little life.

Last four years of your life haven't been exactly a walk in the park, but facing each new day waking with Justin by your side has definitely kicked up your expectances from life. Fuck, you realised long ago you can be biggest jerk in the world without even lifting a finger, but until Justin came along, it never occurred to you that you'd fight it. Fight that sad slant of full mouth when you lost it, after Mikey blabbed about cancer.

God, you thought you'd die right there and then.

Back then, you couldn't wrap your mind around the reason of Justin's stepping up to share the burden of your "health issues". Cause, if you could, you wouldn't be such a raging asshole and go off on the one being that really knew who you are. Who you could be. Wanted to be. And that person was willing to be your guide, your conscience. Still, you couldn't let Justin sell himself short and you figured martyrdom is like your daily Liberty diner special. Something you'd take when you're desperately starving, but wouldn't enjoy one millisecond while chewing it. And yes, boys and girls, once again, Brian Kinney wins award of the year for Most oblivious queer in the world.

Now when you think about that day, you understand how wrong you were. You kicked out most important person in your life, because you needed to suffer your imperfect little existence in the dark. Alone. You didn't stop and think about Justin, what he would need. You'd just cave inside yourself all over again, unable to see forest from the trees.

Drama queen that you are, but wouldn't admit to a living soul, could already see it all in your mind's eye. Justin's blue eyes full with pity and disgust. His back when you see him walking out of your life. Your heart collapsing inside your chest and dying a horrible death. So, you thought you'd save yourself a lot of heartbreak and shoot yourself in the foot. Of course, those months after Rage party were in the denial part of your brain at that moment. Months when your days started and ended with only one thought. Justin. So, stupid fuck that you claim you're not, you did exactly the same thing again, when cancer happened. Truthfully, you would kick your own ass for that now. Thank God Mikey came to your senses, of all people. And for Justin, who kept bulldozing through your life. And being onto you.

You stand up and walk to the window, while white chunks of frozen water stick to the glass and slide down slowly. Standing for long minutes barefoot in front of it, wondering how exactly you deserved all you've got in Justin, you feel soft hands circling your waist, palms resting right where your heart beats. Suddenly, small grin thugs at the edges of your mouth. You cover his palms with your own and sigh when you feel his mouth caressing sensitive skin between your shoulder blades.

"Worrying that pretty little head of yours, handsome?"

You can feel him smile softly against your back. Teasing twat… You poke him playfully in his side.  
How you love his morning voice… So deep. Seductive. And as usual, you can feel your body stirring. It knows him. Wants him. Just like you do.

You close your eyes and shake your head. He knows you so well. And you love him so much for it, even though you never knew you could. Or wanted to. And, finally, he feels it in every pore of that lithe body of his, so for that, you're most thankful son of a bitch on the planet. You ravel in it shamelesly.

"Umm, just been thinking about stuff…"

You sigh again, for third time today, and smile knowingly. You know exactly what his next question will be. 3…2…1

"What kind of stuff, beautiful?" Once again, caress of his lips on your back, fingertips lightly grazing skin of your chest. You thread your fingers through his. It seems you know him pretty well too. And you hope he'll keep on bulldozing through your existence, seeing through all your bullshit and inevitable bouts of insecurities. Because with all your bravado and harsh words, temper tantrums a la Kinney and martyrdom, there is just one place you want to spend your life. By Justin's side.

Love that he gives you isn't an abstract to you anymore.

"Nothing particularly important, Sunshine. Got enough sleep?" He nods against your back.

"Want something to eat? Coffee?" Another nod.

"Wanna blowjob first?" Again, a nod. You grin and turn in his arms.

Suddenly, two sky blue eyes peer right inside your soul, your arms resting on his shoulders, grin still on your lips. And you can confess to yourself now…It's real love. Finally, you're free. And sound-of-music-running-across-the-hills happy.

"In the shower, Sunshine?" His grin, at last, matches yours and something inside your chest expands and leaves you momentarily breathless. Almost suspended in time. It's all out of your control now.

The thing is, you never counted on living past your 29th birthday, but you thank God, in whom you're still not sure you believe, for every moment you get to spend in this man's arms. He made a believer out of you.

"Come on, blondie… Lets see how we can do you!" He sticks a tongue at you, and smirking, you take all he gives. Your lips hungrily sliding across his, breathing the same air. You take his hand and lead him toward the bathroom. Greatest thing of all is, he follows.

Because, there is one simple fact of life both of you are aware of. As much as you finally know your way, without him, you'd still be completely lost.


End file.
